Process Overview

The couple is the primary client. I follow their guidance and vision. I begin by copy pasting these questions into a Google Doc and asking them to answer them before we talk:

🌟 Why are you named what you are?

🖼️ Please sketch your childhood, passions, beliefs, life history, and key moments.

🌐 When and how did you first connect?

👀 What were your first impressions when you connected and met?

💘 When and how did you each know you wanted to date?

👫 When and how did you decide to date and be official partners?

🤝 Why do you think you work well together?

⚖️ What challenges do you face and how do you work through them?

💍 When did you each first know you wanted to get married?

💌 When did you all decide to get married?

🌱 How have you grown in individual and/or couples therapy?

💑 What does a marriage mean to you?

❤️ What do you love about your partner?

💖 What do others love about your partner?

🎨 What is your wedding and ceremony vision?

👥 Who is in your wedding party, how do you know them, and why are they important?

🏷️ How do you want to be introduced (i.e., Mr. and Mrs. such and such)?

📚 Authors, books, or poems to quote?

🌎 Spiritual, cultural, familial, or religious ceremonies or themes to incorporate?

🌈 What feeling or belief would you like participants to have after the ceremony?

✍️ First draft. I interview the couple once they’ve answered the questions. I ask questions to fill in sections, and request a spreadsheet or list with two sentences on family members and bridal party. Afterwards I splice the content into the outline above. I write a topic sentence that summarizes each paragraph. I fill in the text for a draft of two to four pages. I request that the ceremony be the only item on the agenda. Poems, songs, and readings are great at the rehearsal dinner or reception.

🔄 Second draft. I share the draft and interview parents for insights, stories, and to ask what they want said. I circulate a four to six pager set to “anyone can comment” to parents and bridal party to request feedback and additions. I ask the couple to suggest an attendee who is a good editor, humorist, or skilled writer I can work with. I integrate comments and create a cohesive tone for a finalized five to seven page crowd-sourced script.

🕴️ Day of. I wear a black suit, black tie, black shoes, and white shirt. I ask the planner for requests and instructions. I solidify the exchange with the ring keeper. I give a backup of the speech to a trusted individual. I number pages. I am usually first in and last off in the procession.

🧘 Holding space. During the process, ceremony, and reception, the couple, families, and friends may have feelings or conflict. They may implicitly or explicitly request support. I use a few therapy frameworks from my job. The officiant is the only neutral wedding party member. For me, it feels like a spiritual role. People may feel comfortable inviting the officiant into otherwise private interpersonal dynamics or family systems.

🎭 The day of when something unexpected happens I try to humorously and subtly acknowledge it (e.g., ⚡️ 🌧️ 🚁 👶). Attendees usually want to be happy, laugh, and for the wedding to go well. As public speaking goes, I find it’s a wonderful audience.

🎙️ Ceremony. I generally ask people to stand for the bride. I go for a slow, calm, crisp, and understated ceremony in 15 - 17 minutes. I tuck in asides, wink & nods, and inside jokes. I stand aside when the couple kisses for their picture and then introduce them how they’d like. I often conclude with an invitation to cocktails or dancing.

📜 Legal work. I am a minister of the Universal Life Church. That generally works to sign the marriage certificate. Use a black pen. In some cases an extra form, declaration, or license is necessary. I check state and county laws.